Imagine
me. Two hundred followers on Twitter, eight hundred friends on Facebook, some
of the ‘sickest’ pictures on Instagram, four girls and counting—thanks to ASUU
strike.
I’m
bad, man. Eighteen, crazy, cool.
7
A.M.
Sh*t!
My dad. He never lets me enjoy my sleep. I've barely slept four hours, come on!
Ughhhh!
Ok. Now, I’m sweeping the entire compound. Boring as mad but what can I
do? Na ASUU cause all dis ones. If I was in school now, I would certainly still
be sleeping. But hey, thanks to my Nokia. Before I am done listening to eight
to ten jams, I would be done sweeping.
Man,
this new Busta Rhymes and Nicky Minaj Song is sick sha…
‘Yes.
Mummy!’ Why is she calling me now? How many things will I do at once? Oh,
ok, she says she didn't call me. I must be hearing things.
‘When you hear the kick!’ O, boy, the
yansh in the video of this song sha! My dad shouted the day he saw it na: ‘What is this? These videos just keep getting
worse by the day—please take it to CNN!’ That’s why I hate watching TV with
any of them, they’ll be acting as if yansh was not as much a part of the female
anatomy in those days as it is now…
So,
as of right now, I no longer sweep floors. I wash cars and scrub tires. My
elder brother should be the one doing this; after all, he’s the one that drives
this car most of the time. I’m sure he’s still sleeping. That’s all he does. Sleep,
eat and order us around. He won’t go and find work o. (hiss). His mates are
living in their own houses, and pushing their own cars—
‘Yay! I woke up in a new Bugatti!’
Ah,
thank God, I’m done…
Breakfast
is served. I mean, breakfast is eaten. My dad is off to an estate meeting. My
mom was just saying something about me following her to Shoprite, but, hey, my
sister can do that. As for me, ghost mode dem nor go see me! I’m just going to
take a bath and go to Dipo’s house.
He has their BQ all to himself. We
are going to play X-Box while we wait for Amaka and that her friend with mighty jugs.
And then when they come, we will entertain them with chow from Tantees, the bottle
of Rosé I lifted from my dad’s collection and Spartacus Season 3. That should
help put them in the right frame of mind for us. Man, they had better act right—speaking
of which, I need money o. I need like 3k. Mmmmmmmm, what do I do, what do I do?
Ok! That 3k Daddy gave me for petrol and Gladys’ transport, I’ll do it somehow,
somehow.
That’s
it; sorted…
2
P.M.
Everything is going as planned. X-Box tossed aside, food on the road to
digestion, Ice Cream consumed, wine flowing, the girls happy. Spartacus is
next.
See how Amaka is just laughing sha? I wish I could switch from her to her friend,
but Dipo already has plans. See how excited they both are! Mannnn, alcohol is truly a boy’s best ally. My phone! Who could
that be? Ah, my brother. Sheeeet!!
Why’s he calling me now?
Oh!
Church!!
We
are supposed to attend Youth Fellowship by Three. O, boy, I won't pick o.
Not right now. Shey, it’s 3-6? I will
meet him there, after doing what I have to do here. After all, he’s the one
that’s always telling me: ‘A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do’…
5pm.
Man,
thank God I made it to church o. See that new girl. She’s hot, man! Why was she making her face like she wanted to cry when
we were singing? Maybe that’s how she also does her face when—Oh, why is Aunty
looking at me now? Oh, no, Ma, please don’t ask me any question! Ah, f**k! Oh, no,
I’m in church I shouldn't even think ‘f**k’. What? How do I think Christian
youths can deal with pornography? Oh, this shouldn't be too hard to answer.
‘Um, as my brother always says, we
should watch the kind of movies we watch, and we should also be prayerful and
steeped in The Word. That way, such thoughts will be the last things on our
minds, and the devil will not win the battle over our minds’.
Jeez,
hope that chick is impressed? Yes! She’s nodding her head. Man, can we say the
grace and go home already? I can’t wait to talk to her after Fellowship.
Keep
your eyes on Aunty and nod your head like Bros is doing, Idiot!
Ok, Boss. I am
all eyes.
I wonder who will leave the Big Brother House
tomorrow? Angelo? Bimp? Dillish? Mannnn! Na wa o. Tough one! If Angelo goes,
the VIP lounge will no more be fun to watch. If Bimp goes, Bimp is cool sha. If
Dillish goes—that reminds me, I must vote for her tonight. She must not go…
8
PM.
One
hour into Fast 6. My friends have been bugging about this movie. I need to buy
a Blackberry though. I need to keep in touch with the girls. It’s expensive
calling all the time and some of them are not on 2Go. I know what I will do, I
will add 40k to the accommodation fees I present to my dad next week.
Brilliant!
That’s sorted.
Ohhooooo.
Who’s calling me again? Can’t somebody rest in this house? I should what? Come
and iron my dad’s clothes for church tomorrow? (Hiss)…
10
PM.
Now, I can finally concentrate on this movie…
12AM.
My
eyes are closing. I feel myself drifting away. Oh, but I should pray o.
Lord, You know everything sha. You know that I’m not born again and
holy like my brother, but You also know that I plan to be one day. I’m only 18,
and You know my brother wasn't this born again when he was my age. Please protect
me as I sleep. I’m so tired I can’t even open my mouth. But I know You can
read my mind, and you hear my thoughts clearly. You know I think about going
back to school every day. Please help the Government find a solution for the
lecturers. Lord, please keep me so that I will be alive to…to worship You in
church tomorrow, I mean, today.
Lord...
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