18 Hours in an 18-Year-Old Mind

Imagine me. Two hundred followers on Twitter, eight hundred friends on Facebook, some of the ‘sickest’ pictures on Instagram, four girls and counting—thanks to ASUU strike.

I’m bad, man. Eighteen, crazy, cool.

7 A.M.

Sh*t! My dad. He never lets me enjoy my sleep. I've barely slept four hours, come on! Ughhhh!

Ok. Now, I’m sweeping the entire compound. Boring as mad but what can I do? Na ASUU cause all dis ones. If I was in school now, I would certainly still be sleeping. But hey, thanks to my Nokia. Before I am done listening to eight to ten jams, I would be done sweeping.

Man, this new Busta Rhymes and Nicky Minaj Song is sick sha…

‘Yes. Mummy!’ Why is she calling me now? How many things will I do at once? Oh, ok, she says she didn't call me. I must be hearing things.

‘When you hear the kick!’ O, boy, the yansh in the video of this song sha! My dad shouted the day he saw it na: ‘What is this? These videos just keep getting worse by the day—please take it to CNN!’ That’s why I hate watching TV with any of them, they’ll be acting as if yansh was not as much a part of the female anatomy in those days as it is now…

So, as of right now, I no longer sweep floors. I wash cars and scrub tires. My elder brother should be the one doing this; after all, he’s the one that drives this car most of the time. I’m sure he’s still sleeping. That’s all he does. Sleep, eat and order us around. He won’t go and find work o. (hiss). His mates are living in their own houses, and pushing their own cars—

‘Yay! I woke up in a new Bugatti!’

Ah, thank God, I’m done…

Breakfast is served. I mean, breakfast is eaten. My dad is off to an estate meeting. My mom was just saying something about me following her to Shoprite, but, hey, my sister can do that. As for me, ghost mode dem nor go see me! I’m just going to take a bath and go to Dipo’s house. 

He has their BQ all to himself. We are going to play X-Box while we wait for Amaka and that her friend with mighty jugs. And then when they come, we will entertain them with chow from Tantees, the bottle of Rosé I lifted from my dad’s collection and Spartacus Season 3. That should help put them in the right frame of mind for us. Man, they had better act right—speaking of which, I need money o. I need like 3k. Mmmmmmmm, what do I do, what do I do? Ok! That 3k Daddy gave me for petrol and Gladys’ transport, I’ll do it somehow, somehow.

That’s it; sorted…

2 P.M.

Everything is going as planned.  X-Box tossed aside, food on the road to digestion, Ice Cream consumed, wine flowing, the girls happy. Spartacus is next.

See how Amaka is just laughing sha? I wish I could switch from her to her friend, but Dipo already has plans. See how excited they both are! Mannnn, alcohol is truly a boy’s best ally. My phone! Who could that be? Ah, my brother. Sheeeet!! Why’s he calling me now?

Oh! Church!!

We are supposed to attend Youth Fellowship by Three. O, boy, I won't pick o. Not right now. Shey, it’s  3-6? I will meet him there, after doing what I have to do here. After all, he’s the one that’s always telling me: ‘A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do’…

5pm.

Man, thank God I made it to church o. See that new girl. She’s hot, man! Why was she making her face like she wanted to cry when we were singing? Maybe that’s how she also does her face when—Oh, why is Aunty looking at me now? Oh, no, Ma, please don’t ask me any question! Ah, f**k! Oh, no, I’m in church I shouldn't even think ‘f**k’. What? How do I think Christian youths can deal with pornography? Oh, this shouldn't be too hard to answer.

‘Um, as my brother always says, we should watch the kind of movies we watch, and we should also be prayerful and steeped in The Word. That way, such thoughts will be the last things on our minds, and the devil will not win the battle over our minds’.

Jeez, hope that chick is impressed? Yes! She’s nodding her head. Man, can we say the grace and go home already? I can’t wait to talk to her after Fellowship. 

Keep your eyes on Aunty and nod your head like Bros is doing, Idiot! 

Ok, Boss. I am all eyes.

I wonder who will leave the Big Brother House tomorrow? Angelo? Bimp? Dillish? Mannnn! Na wa o. Tough one! If Angelo goes, the VIP lounge will no more be fun to watch. If Bimp goes, Bimp is cool sha. If Dillish goes—that reminds me, I must vote for her tonight. She must not go…

8 PM.

One hour into Fast 6. My friends have been bugging about this movie. I need to buy a Blackberry though. I need to keep in touch with the girls. It’s expensive calling all the time and some of them are not on 2Go. I know what I will do, I will add 40k to the accommodation fees I present to my dad next week.

Brilliant! That’s sorted.

Ohhooooo. Who’s calling me again? Can’t somebody rest in this house? I should what? Come and iron my dad’s clothes for church tomorrow? (Hiss)…

10 PM.

Now, I can finally concentrate on this movie…

12AM.

My eyes are closing. I feel myself drifting away. Oh, but I should pray o.

Lord, You know everything sha. You know that I’m not born again and holy like my brother, but You also know that I plan to be one day. I’m only 18, and You know my brother wasn't this born again when he was my age. Please protect me as I sleep. I’m so tired I can’t even open my mouth. But I know You can read my mind, and you hear my thoughts clearly. You know I think about going back to school every day. Please help the Government find a solution for the lecturers. Lord, please keep me so that I will be alive to…to worship You in church tomorrow, I mean, today.

 Lord...

I Understand. I Just Don’t Get It!

It’s a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon here, and many of us Christians have been to our various centers of corporate worship. The Preacher has most likely delivered a ‘message’ that now has us feeling recharged, hopeful and ready to take on the week.

But the truth is many of us went to church today with our ‘demons’, and we are back home with them. One such ‘demon’ that I know a lot of ladies in and outside the Church are battling with is this: “I am in a relationship with a man I love an awful lot, but in more ways than one he treats me like dirt. And for some strange reason I just CAN’T leave him.”

To borrow the words of R&B crooner, Joe Thomas, in his 2001 song, ‘I Understand’. Yes I do understand that with matters of the heart things are not that simple and straight forward sometimes, and the head almost always bows to the heart causing a conflict, which several divas have aptly expressed.

Alicia Keys, for instance, in Fallin' put it like this: '...Sometimes I feel good, at times I feel used. Lovin' you, darlin' makes me so confused.' And as if that was not beautifully said already, she went on to nail it even further: '...I never felt this way. how do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain? Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool, I start fallin' back in love with you' .
And the result of that curious mix is what we know as a 'love-hate relationship' where you hate how much you love him (Rihanna paraphrased). I need not emphasize that these are not just mere artistic expressions of commerce-driven divas; they are in fact the heart's cry of many a lady: Your beautiful, all-put-together colleague at work, your tongues-speaking church department member, your lovely daughter, or your dear sister, cousin, niece- need I go on?

Today, I have no answers.
To some extent, yes I think I understand; but then again, I don't get it. So, like Joe and borrowing his words, I'm at once saying and asking:
'Why don't you take those chains and break those chains? No love should cause you so much pain. Why don't you walk away before it gets too late. Leave him now...love should never hurt.'
This is my question today. Why? Why would you rather stay in an abusive relationship where you are mistreated, serially cheated on. unloved and unvalued, when you are not even yet married to him?

Dear lady, I know you are no fool, so there must be a reason. Care to share? Can you help us understand your quandary better?
Anyone may leave a comment beneath, or drop me a line at nelson.akhabue@gmail.com.
Have a great week, Y'all.
God keep us. 

THREE ATHEISTS AND THEIR QUESTIONS FOR GOD (2)

  (Some months ago I promised this follow up, so here it is finally):                                         

Three men were there again. Same bar, same table, same drinks but not the same men. Well, not exactly. Professor Aletor was there and so was Dr. Douglas but the third man wasn’t Professor Michaels.

Professor Michaels had very recently lost a long-drawn battle with hypertension, and had passed on. The third man here now was Professor Leigh, a Catholic Priest and Philosophy Professor.

Prof. Aletor: Uh, Prof., I must say that it really is a pleasure to have you here. Thanks for honoring our invitation. We planned to do this over a month ago, in a more public and academic fashion, but the sudden passing of one of our dear friends, Prof. Michaels-

Prof. Leigh: Oh, yes, yes, I heard about that. What a loss. I knew the man. A very brilliant mind, if there was any.

Prof. Aletor: Yes he was. So thanks again for agreeing to meet us at this ‘unholy’ venue. I must say,  I didn’t expect you to agree to come here,

Dr. Douglas: And not only did you come, Prof., you are also actually exploring the wonders of Arthur Guiness! That’s a pleasant surprise.

Prof. Leigh smiles, nods but doesn’t say anything. Dr. Douglas continues.

Dr. Douglas: We invited you here for a little intellectual cum philosophical exchange. A discourse on the perennial issue of God, theism and what not. As you know, Prof., we do not believe in the existence of any God, whether Allah, Jehovah, Jesus-

Prof. Leigh: Of course, Doc, Your atheism is internationally known.

Dr. Douglas: As is your theism. Your apologetics and  arguments-if I can call them that- for the existence of God, while not novel, are quite passionately enunciated, so I—eh, we felt that hey, come on, let’s invite the good Prof, and hear each other out.

Prof. Leigh: Fair enough.

Prof. Aletor: As he said, Prof, we don’t believe in God, but let’s assume there is a God, I put it to you that he is a sadist, a kill-joy, and a villain. I mean, what will you call a God who took, or allowed the taking, first of Prof. Michael’s wife, and then the good Prof himself, making his children orphans in this cruel world! How do you describe a God who made a hell fire, and can’t wait to send majority of humankind, who He claims to have created, into it for endless aeons?

Prof. Leigh: Now, esteemed colleagues we are here once more tackling the intractable Problem of evil, a problem you and I know can never be resolved, not in this world, neither you, the sceptical atheist, nor I, the theistic believer, can satisfactorily resolve all the quandaries inherent in this problem.

Dr. Douglas: Agreed.

Prof. Leigh (continuing): Having said that though, suffice it to say that just as there is evil in this world, deaths, disasters and what not, there is also good. Sacrifice, benevolence, love, justice, etc; we complain about the evils but take for granted the good. Listen, Sirs, this is earth, not heaven! Religion, well Christianity, does not teach that in this world we will not experience pain, it teaches that there will be pain, but, unlike what you seem to think, God is touched by our griefs and pains-

Prof. Aletor: Yet he does nothing to end them!

Prof Leigh: There is one who exists solely to kill, steal and destroy.

Dr. Douglas: Satan?

Prof. Leigh: Yes. He is the author of much of the evils, disasters, diseases and so on which we experience.

Prof. Aletor: Yes, but why does the ‘omnipotent’ God seem helpless in stopping this devil in his tracks?

Prof. Leigh: To fully explain that I will need to go into some theological expatiation but suffice it to say here that God gave man freedom, volition, and all, man used this freedom, and still uses it against God, thus giving the devil much authority to do pretty much what he likes on the earth except…

Dr. Douglas: Except what, Prof?

Prof. Leigh: Except the saints- humans- pray.

Prof. Aletor: So, like Augustine, you blame man for all the evil in the world. I find that unacceptable and irresponsible on the part of the omnipotent God who claims to love us. Besides, Prof, a lot of ‘saints’ prayers go unanswered.

Prof. Leigh: I can understand why you must feel that way and I honestly don’t have a satisfactory answer or explanation for you. However, to your second question about how a good God could have prepared hell for his creation. Let me ask you, Prof. Who prepared heaven?

Prof. Aletor: According to you guys, God did.

Prof. Leigh: And God also made hell. What does that show you? Balance. Justice. In every State for instance do we not have freedom, and yet there are jails where people’s liberties are taken as punishment? You see, we are often hypocritical. We blame God for the things we also do. He’s a sadist for creating hell, but yet we are just to have jails, Guatanamo Bays and lethal injections.  Just as the state is not excited to sentence a criminal to death or to a lifetime in prison but has to do it for security and justice to take its course, so also it is with God. We don’t have to go to hell, we can choose to go to heaven, can’t we?

Dr. Douglas: Can we, really? Prof, the conditions for this heaven you talk about can only be met by masochists. I mean, anyone who hopes to live a complete human existence taking life’s pleasures and enjoying  natural freedom cannot go to this your heaven. If I drink I go to hell, if I have sex I go to hell, yet the tendency for arousal is in my nature just as the tendency to get hungry, I came to realize myself with these tendencies but yet I’m to be punished for them?

Prof. Leigh: These pleasures you talk about were created by God. I’ve heard people say, like you, Prof, said earlier, that God is a kill-joy and heaven will be a very boring place, but take a look at the pleasures in nature, examine even these sexual  pleasures you just talked about, the devil didn’t initiate or create them, God did! He loves us to have fun healthily and pleasurably live our lives as human beings, not animals. But the anarchical nature of humankind relishes uncontrolled and unfettered liberty and he calls this ‘freedom’. Freedom is not anarchy, freedom is a choice to abide by natural law, and divine law. To be truly free is to be responsible and under control!

Dr. Douglas: I hear a lot of illogicalities and contradictions in your statement, Prof, but I fear I cannot take you up on them just right now.  My wife and I have an appointment with the doctor in thirty minutes so I’m afraid I must leave.

Prof. Aletor: Prof, this discourse, as you said, is intractable. But I suggest we meet again and talk about these issues, particularly the concept of freedom.

Prof Leigh: Its been a pleasure being with you, gentlemen. I look forward to next time.

Prof. Aletor: Yes, Prof, maybe next time you can tell us why God let the devil live in the first place after he left from being Lucifer, the singing cherub, to Satan, the terrorist. After all, didn’t Obama eliminate Osama?

They all laugh…

                                             To be continued